Will it ever end?

I just had a major anxiety attack. As usual it came out of the blue. This particular one hit me hard. While I was somewhat able to calm down relatively quickly, by trying to busy myself with other things, instead of being proud of that accomplishment, I'm upset. Yes It's good that I was able to control it better than I used to, however the attack (and it was a bad one) just reinforces my fears again. It reminds me just how bad the physical symptoms really are. When you go for a few weeks without a major incident, it's easy to forget how awful the the side effects can be.

It's one thing to sail along the day in mild fear, having mini issues along the way, but when the big one hits, all the old scaries come rushing back full force. Instead of feeling like I was getting better and might be able to handle situations that would have previously left me shaking with utter fear, I feel freaked out again.

This is especially bad, since I wasn't doing anything scary at the moment it happened. It's not like I was going somewhere scary or trying to drive or even that I was alone anywhere. No. I was in my "comfort zone" a.k.a. home, minding my own business and eating a burrito.

Because this happened here in my safe little bubble, I now feel helpless again. Like nowhere is really safe. Somehow, home became my "safe place", and it felt like I could be here and cocoon myself from all the really bad anxieties. That's not to say I've never been anxious or scared while home, it's just that I thought since I felt safe here, then there really wasn't a reason for panic to come and assault me, since really, what was there to be afraid of? My couch? My t.v.?

Obviously, I can't avoid my house. I live here. But what the heck do I do now? If I'm scared at home, where does this leave me? How do I feel safe again?

We can't sell the house and start new, because the market is bad now, and to live where I feel safest (my hometown), is not an option either, since it's too expensive. Besides that's running away from my fear not facing it. I'm already running from so many things, because of said fears, that pretty soon I won't be able to go anywhere. Including my house. Then I'll really be in a pickle.

Even as I write this, I'm still scared. I have not completely calmed down, and feel that I could easily get back to the top of the anxiety Richter scale. Although writing this blog does help.

The hardest part for me when having these attacks is the feeling of not being able to breath properly. Once this happens it feels as if things could quickly go from bad to horrible.

If anyone has ever read any literature on anxiety/panic attacks, you will see that everyone of them tells you to just ride out the feelings and try to calm down, your body can't stay in this state for long and you will be ok. HA! That so doesn't work well when you are in the moment of panic. My body and mind do not cooperate during an attack. Well actually they are cooperating in a way, they are both panicking. But If I try "positive" talk, my mind just ignores me. Thanks a lot.

Just think, it was only yesterday when I really thought I was accomplishing my battle against anxiety. Even my husband said I was getting better, and seemed able to do stuff easier now. It's somewhat true. The last few weeks have been pretty okay. No major attacks. I was really starting to feel, that I could try to overcome some fears. Such as driving over the mountain to work by myself. (Currently my husband drives me to work. This is partly because of my fear and partly because my car is out of commission right now. And the fact that I don't know how to drive his car since it's a stick). Probably should learn though.

It's times like this when I want to poo poo conventional therapy and get a quick but permanent fix, the problem is there isn't one, and the closest thing to that would be to take medication, which I'm not about to do, but that's another fear for another topic....