Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Up Sh** creek without a paddle

Wow. This is not good. I just realized I hadn't posted in 11 days! Somehow the time flies when you're not paying attention. I really need to keep up with this blog.

Like I said before, it's a little harder for this one, since it covers a topic that isn't pleasant to think about. However, part of getting better is facing the bad stuff. So without further ado here we go..

Basically this past week or so really hasn't been too bad. I don't know if that is because I'm truly getting better, or because my husband babies me and I feel comfortable in my current situation.

Be that as it may, I don't have a whole lot of anxiety to report on. I do notice however that I'm entertaining my fantasy of moving to the city again more frequently.

This is unfortunate because all of my life I have wanted to live in the mountains with a creek in my backyard. This is what I have now, and in a sense I have my dream house. Unfortunately this past year, I haven't been able to enjoy it, like I should be, thanks to my irrational fears.

At this point I'm feeling like I would be almost anxiety free if I could just live near civilization. This is a bit of an exaggeration as we do live a mile from town, but by town I mean literally half a street of shops. While this is civilization of some sort, it's not exactly bustling, and everything closes down very early leaving the street with an eery sort of ghost town appearance.

Seeing as a large majority of my anxiety happens at night, this is exceptionally fearsome as I don't feel that I could get help if I freaked out. Now we do have neighbors, but being in the mountains neighbors can be somewhat scary, and trust me mine are. So much so, that I would never dream of asking them for assistance should the need ever arise. Not even for a cup of sugar.

Some of you may be thinking by now, what exactly are you so afraid of that will happen to you and cause you to go running into town seeking help? And the answer is simple. I don't know. Stupid huh? It's those crazy what if's at work again. I hate them.

The problem is when I think how long it takes me to get to the valley (true civilization), I start feeling isolated and get scared.

Then I think what an idiot I am, because one, I willingly sought to live in these mountains and used to love it, and two, there are something like 3000 people living out here, and they all seem to do perfectly well, so why can't I?